Converse

Not Chuckie T's, I'm talking about general conversation. It's really hard for me to start one, especially with strangers. I asked one person and one therapist how to do this, and they said "what's wrong with you, just talk". And they wonder why I don't want to. But I do think it's because of judgement. I judge myself (badly) on a daily basis. I guess I'm afraid of the outside sources as well. Well not afraid of the judgment, but scared of what I would do to them. At least when I had a conversation with my husband, I found out why I truly wanted to start this blog. It's to find MY sexy. And I'm getting there one day at a time. If it's one person that I can talk to freely, that's not blood, it's him. I love him. And I don't want to spread this negativity to him or our son.

Vixenless

You know I haven't touched myself since having my son. My husband keeps asking for sex, and I just can't bring myself to say, "I don't want to be touched." It actually gets me in down moods when I reject him. It's actually getting more uncomfortable in our household. The only one who has a real smile on their face is our son. I breastfeed, and our son reaches for me as soon as I get home. I get no time to even love myself, let alone make love. I know a lot of moms say that I should feel beautiful bearing a child, but I just don't. I feel sloppy. Now I'm not saying that I'm over weight. The doctor says I'm at the right weight and body fat percentage for my age, height, and nursing. She seemed shocked... I just don't care about myself anymore. Not in a way that I want to kill myself, but I feel sooo disappointed in myself. I just don't feel attractive.

M.I.L.F.

Everyone knows what those letters stand for, but for me, it means something a little different. It all starts with self esteem and confidence. Well... mine is pretty low. I'm on a journey to become this. Mother I'd Like to Fuck. Yes me. I want to look in the mirror and think, "I'd fuck me." I'm taking baby steps to get there. Slowly but surely I WILL get there.... hopefully.

The Beginning...

Not a vixen. Shouldn't women WANT to be sexy, fashionable, liked, and envied. Not this one. Well... not really. I want to be more comfortable, confident, and less depressed. I guess you could say vixens inspire me, but I don't aspire to be one. I actually want to be a M.I.L.F. I'll elaborate on another day.Today, I hit a new low in my life, mentally. I've cried too many times just in this week. I'm tired of feeling this way, so I'm posting my internal struggles and achievements. Weird, but I don't have a friend to talk to, so this blog is an outlet. Hopefully I can see a growth in happiness.